Saturday, October 15, 2011

When is it too late?

I have been trying to re-assess my life after coming to the conclusion that I am no where near to where I want to be. And I think the way to deal with problems is by identifying them, and then figuring out how to face them. So, here I am, a 20 year old with nothing to be proud of, and drowning in self-loathing way too often. It's time for a change. And a real change too, not one of those you feel inspired about before bedtime, and forget all about in the morning. It's time to get my life together and this time for real.

So things that must be addressed:

  • My weight. I have been unhappy about it since about the age of 13, so that's 7 years of self-consciousness and misery. It's time to beat this once and for all. No more crap food, I can do this and I can do it fast. All it takes is a mindset, I would know. I have lost 8 kilos before, I can do it again. 
  • My studies. I have always been seen as the 'smart' one by my family. They have great expectations for me, they truly believe that I will be the bread winner one day. Whilst I listen to their words and wonder how the hell can they have so much faith in me, when I have none? I am so insecure. I am terrified of my future. Because the last thing I would consider myself is smart. I'm not an idiot, okay, but I am not smart either. And that's partly my fault. I have the potential for great things, 4 languages, a fairly good education, and a lot of life experience, yet I'm not putting it to any use. I am mediocre at my studies, all because I never find the motivation to try harder. And I am completely aware of that. I put in the bare minimum, because a part of me really doesn't give a f*ck. But I can't do this to myself anymore. I need to put all I got into this, it's my chance to win a better life. I need to go to bed every night with a clear conscience, knowing that I did everything in my power to succeed for the day. So that's all about to change. It's time to stop wasting time on bullshit. 
  • My way of living. I am so disorganised. Although I have an agenda and a blackberry, I still don't manage to organise my thoughts and tasks and to-do lists, etc. I am all over the place. And so is my flat most the time. And my mother always said that the way your desk looks, that's the way things are inside your head. So it's time to organise my desk, my closet and my kitchen, make a clear plan of what needs to be done, and get on with it. 
  • My stupidity. I haven't picked up a newspaper in over a month. I just don't find the time anymore, yet interestingly enough I always find the time to waste on uselessness. So it's time to buy The Economist every week again, and be aware of what is actually happening in the world. It's getting embarrassing how little I am actually aware of reality. 
  • My commitment phobia. I am a serious screw up when it comes to anything to do with relationships. I don't know why, and I have spent hours and hours trying to analyse myself and how my mind works, and still it's a mystery. There's the french boy who I mentioned once before, who I like a lot, he's charming, very smart (which I actually find intimidating), and just plain gorgeous. And I am 99% certain that he likes me too. Yet he seems to be the shy kind, which I am too when it comes to guys, so it's a really stupid situation where neither one of us knows how to start up a conversation. But regardless, using that as an example... I would love for something to happen, and right now he's on my mind way too much. BUT looking back at my past, I am afraid that it's gonna repeat itself. As soon as I get a guy I want, and I can see that he's into me, I feel like I suddenly have all the control, and I get so bored. I can do whatever the hell I want with him, it becomes so easy. I don't want that to happen. Because with the boredom comes the fear. I become terrified of commitment, and of winding up in yet another relationship in which I don't want to be. I need to stop this, because it's self-destructive. I guess I need to try and open up more, and take it day by day, and not freak out and run. Baby steps. 
  • My indecisiveness. I have read that this is the most prominent characteristic of a libra, and I cannot emphasize enough on just how indecisive I am. And it's not good at all. Because sometimes I spend so much time over-thinking things and I lose out on everything. There's a saying, if you try to chase two rabbits at once, you won't get either. I need to practice being more decisive, and sticking by my decisions. I need to stop being afraid that my decision won't be liked by someone, because you can't please everybody. 
  • My french. It is disastrous, and the worst part is that it isn't even improving, whilst the whole point of this year is for me to be speaking it and becoming fluent. But the truth is I hardly ever use it. Pretty much all my friends here are foreign, so the french I speak is limited to ordering coffee or lunch or asking for a pack of Marlboro's. So I seriously need to make more of an effort. French TV, attempt to hang out with more frenchies, and just more practice. Time's a wasting. 
So I need to change all of these things before it is too late. Especially my studies. I need to give it all I got, because I look at my life and I don't like it. I'm failing. And that is mortifying. I don't want to be scared anymore. 


  1. I think it's really great how you are being so decisive about changing what you feel is not right in your life! I hope you keep such enthusiasm for everything that will come. Just don't overdo it, ok? We wouldn't want you to reach burnout because of excessive pressure you put on yourself ;)

    Maybe I could write my comments to you in French from now on, so you could practice a bit more? Let me know if you would like that :)

  2. I think most people in their early twenties feel very similar to you Vi! I know I do. Good for you that you are recognizing your weaknesses and working to fix them. That's definitely a step in the right direction!

    And my French is atrocious. I just could never master the accent!

  3. It is so nice to know that you are working towards a better tomorrow :-)
    By doing this - jotting your issues down, you have already sorted your troubles, mentally! This (always) gives a clearer picture, to decide things further :-)

  4. The way you're living is comfortable to you. You'll change when you really want to. If someone was sticking pins in your ears, you'd want to change that, wouldn't you? Get on your own schedule. Don't compare your schedule with the schedules of others. You walk in your own shoes. Nobody can deny you that.