Thursday, October 6, 2011

Always little

I just had dinner and now I feel guilty. I have such a screwed up relationship with food. But I don't really want to get into that right now, I feel like I've talked about it way too much and there's nothing new to add.

My sister's coming tomorrow morning, and I'm relieved that she'll be here. Every thursday night I begin feeling completely useless in french, after my politics class in french. It's hard, it's so hard, and I feel like I'm fighting this battle and there's no way of winning. I think I have some sort of 'younger sister' syndrome. When I was little my sister would always take care of me. If anyone ever bullied or offended me, she'd stand up for me in a second. She's such a fighter. And I think that even now, at 19, I sometimes crave that protection. I feel like hiding away from the world and having someone else deal with my problems for me. I remember when I was about 14 I took karate classes. One day the teacher made me stand in front of everyone and perform a Kata. I didn't know all the moves, and I felt so little suddenly. All these people looking at me, his eyes expecting something great from me, and suddenly, all I wanted was for my sister to stand up and cover me up from the world. Of course that never happened. I made a bit of a fool out of myself and sat back down, pretty much humiliated. I miss protection. I miss something that I've hardly had. A father figure that can make everything go away and make the world all better again. I've never had that though, he left when I was five. Ever since then I get these feelings sometimes of being completely unprotected and alone.

There's also this boy (isn't there always?), but in my case there really isn't. I'm the kind of person who falls for someone very rarely, but when I do, its big. He's french, he's in my thursday class, I've started looking forward to it actually. But nothing ever happens. He's shy I think, but I find that so charming. I've always had a soft spot for boys like that. I feel that it's reciprocal though, but neither one of us is doing anything about it. It doesn't bother me so much because I have a history of running as soon as I get what I want. I freak out. That's another issue I've always had, the commitment phobia. So in a way maybe it's better leaving this as a fantasy, if it comes to life I might run, or just get disappointed and bored. We haven't even had a conversation. He smiles at me, today he said hello for the first time! I feel like such a kindergarten kid writing this, it all sounds so naive and silly. Which it is of course, but it's also sweet at the same time. Maybe bitter-sweet. I only learnt his name today, it's all so innocent, it makes me smile. And then there's the whole language barrier. I'm kind of scared of starting up a conversation with him because I probably won't know how to say what I want and then I'll just feel stupid.

Also, I want to thank everyone who's been reading what I've got to say, and leaving such supportive comments. I read every single one of them and they make me smile so much, and I feel warmer inside after every single one.

And now comes my favourite phrase of the day... time to go sort my life out! It's almost become a hobby by now.


  1. i, too, have a terrible relationship with food. i literally have to take it one day at a time or i go crazy.

  2. How pathetic is it that I recognise myself in your relationship to that boy? Have I mentioned that I'm almost 30 years old?... I hope you'll do better than me by the time you get my age ;)

  3. PS: It's a pleasure to read you! :)

  4. Thank you so much! And relationships are always hard I guess, regardless of what age you are.