Monday, October 24, 2011


I feel like this whole weekend has revolved around food. It's like I keep forgetting that it doesn't actually make anything better. Ice cream can no longer solve your problems and make the world happy again. All it gives you is  extra calories you never deserved in the first place. It's time to sort that out. The whole feeling sorry for myself and eating my feelings away phase has to end now. Before I gain another 5 pounds and have to deal with that problem. I've got enough on my plate without the weight gain issue already.

I have to be up in 7 hours, and I'm no where near heading to bed. I seem to deal with problems by avoiding them and I never learn. I'm just so fed up of things. I'm fed up of constantly being unhappy about my body, I am fed up of people who treat others like shit for absolutely no reason, of boys and my utter inability to sort that aspect of my life out, of missing my father and feeling guilty about it, of the fact that parents aren't perfect, of school and how bad it's turning out, of never being able to sort things out in time. If I could the first thing I'd do right now is defer for a semester and go away. I need to get away. I need to go some place quiet, with a lake, and with mountains, and silence, and music, and bonfires, where I could write, and rehabilitate from life, and come to terms with my feelings. What I wouldn't give for the chance to escape, if only for a little while...That is my idea of heaven. Bonfires and guitars playing in the night, and peaceful days in big cosy sweaters, reading beautiful books and getting inspired all over again every single day. If only we could put our life on pause sometimes.

I don't want to face reality. I'm not ready.

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