Thursday, October 13, 2011


Ever since last weekend a wave of sadness has been coming over me. I feel entirely irrelevant, and the world feels like a trap. I woke up on sunday morning and I was different. Even my love for S, which had been unconditional and painful for over a year, with every day revolving around the possibility of us, faded. I realized that I am no longer in that stage of life where I can sustain myself on dreams. I feel like my heart melted and is gone. And I am trying so hard to care, to put on a happy face for my mother, who has been here since monday, but I'm doing so bad. There is no life inside my eyes, and I don't understand how things used to have a meaning. I have reached a quarter life crisis, and the disappointment is inevitable. I miss S, but its a background feeling, while before it used to be throbbing pain every day of the week. It's a pain that you don't see unless you  know what you're looking for, and even then, its hard to recognise.
My mother leaves tomorrow, and I'll be left all alone again. I'm not sure how I feel about that, but it is a relief that I can end pretending. And probably eating too.
The world changed overnight, and I don't know how to rebuild it.


  1. Ohhhh! I know how u feel.. cos in a way, I'm experiencing the same thing too... All I'll say is, the dark clouds will give way for a brighter sun to re-appear... :-) Until then, just hang-on :-)

  2. Oh Vi you sound like you could use a big hug! I'm a Mom so I'm going to suggest you talk to you Mom about how your feeling before she leaves, maybe you'll feel better? *hugs*

  3. I know that feeling of losing your illusions. I went through something similar not very long ago, and I still wonder whether it is a bad or a good thing. I'll let you know when I find out. Hugs to you!

  4. I would talk to my mom too:)

    I lost my mom when I was 19..suddenly..
    There are so many moments I ahve missed.
    I hope you do..moms love unconditionally..
    The more you open up..the more you will know each other.

    Take care..

    And grasp the moment if you can..while she is there~
    many people.. have lows you know..please don't feel alone.

  5. Our relevancy ebbs and flows. Never lasts. Nothing does. But that's also the beauty of it. We're not meant to be static or think static. When we admit we're frequently irrelevant, we give ourselves flight. A future.