Ever since last weekend a wave of sadness has been coming over me. I feel entirely irrelevant, and the world feels like a trap. I woke up on sunday morning and I was different. Even my love for S, which had been unconditional and painful for over a year, with every day revolving around the possibility of us, faded. I realized that I am no longer in that stage of life where I can sustain myself on dreams. I feel like my heart melted and is gone. And I am trying so hard to care, to put on a happy face for my mother, who has been here since monday, but I'm doing so bad. There is no life inside my eyes, and I don't understand how things used to have a meaning. I have reached a quarter life crisis, and the disappointment is inevitable. I miss S, but its a background feeling, while before it used to be throbbing pain every day of the week. It's a pain that you don't see unless you know what you're looking for, and even then, its hard to recognise.
My mother leaves tomorrow, and I'll be left all alone again. I'm not sure how I feel about that, but it is a relief that I can end pretending. And probably eating too.
The world changed overnight, and I don't know how to rebuild it.