I bought myself a diary the other day, and it has gradually turned into my therapy. I realized that whilst I sit in class and contemplate on just how bad my french is, I need to write, because my head is overflowing with thoughts and feelings. So I bought a notebook and it is filled with pages of writing already. 3 days and 8 pages of self-analysis and self-loathing. I have become addicted to it.
I don't think I can emphasize enough on just how bad school is going. And the worst part is, I can't get myself into a studious mindset. I am always distracted, always wondering about irrelevant things and always in need to analyse my own screwed up self. I have an exam on monday though, and I am going to do the very best I can to study for it. No time to waste. I have a week of at the end of october and I think I'm just going to stay here and make myself study 24/7, maybe I'll manage to at least partly catch up then!
My best friend is in town for the day, so I'm going to go meet her in a few hours. The last time I saw her was weeks ago, on the 5th of september. But truth be told, that is a small consolation. I am one of those people who still keeps all things important to herself. I can't bare the fact of having people know too much about me, even those who are closest to me, and have been with me for many many years. I don't like being vulnerable. And I especially don't like talks about my romantic life (or lack of thereof).
My mum left yesterday, and although I read all your advice on talking to her on how I'm feeling, I couldn't do it. I wish I knew it would help, but I know it couldn't. My mum is a 'tough love' kind of person. She doesn't believe in being soft, she goes straight to the point and although the truth is always good, it's also hard to take. I am not oblivious to reality, and I know all those things she says, I wholeheartedly agree, but sometimes I just need someone to support me despite them. So I am aware of the fact that had I sad something, she would have strictly told me to focus on my studies, stop eating, and not waste time on bullshit thoughts. And I know all those things already. I just need a shoulder to cry on sometimes, a moment to allow myself to be weak. I don't think she believes in weakness.