I'm going to a halloween party tonight, since a lot of people will be away next weekend for the break it's been scheduled early this year. So more socialising, smiling, laughing, drinking, and just generally acting happy. But maybe that will be good for me. I've been feeling pretty down since thursday. It's a sort of inexplicable sadness since nothing actually happened. Well sort of, but not really.
I have a bit of a weird situation with my friends right now. Basically we were planning to take a trip together next week until they went and booked everything themselves without telling me. I haven't confronted them about it, I just sort of suck at confrontations. I don't like them, and they make me feel uncomfortable, and once things are out there's no way of taking them back. So I haven't said anything, and neither have they, but I'm disappointed. I don't understand why people act a certain way, why they have a tendency to bring someone down for absolutely no reason, and yet be so warm to them when they see them.
Also the situation with the french boy really confused me. It's a stupid story so I don't even want to get into it, partly because I'm embarrassed about how lame it is, but it made me feel too sad, when it shouldn't. We never even had a proper conversation, it was just sort of there, some sort of connection, I could feel it. And looking back at it now, I see it all that more clearer. And then thursday came and I looked at him and I realized that somehow its over. My feelings just evaporated into thin air, when only 5 days ago they were all over the place. And I knew that was mutual too. It was like a short flame that got extinguished by silence. Because neither one of us did anything soon enough. And that's disappointing. I've learnt that waiting can be dangerous sometimes. You lose something that could have been wonderful. So I walked home from class realizing how my little love story is over without ever even having a beginning. I don't understand why it makes me this sad. I suddenly feel lonely again.
My mother asked me to come home for the break but I realized I don't want to. I'll just stay in Paris and try to rehabilitate myself. I listen to my friends talk about home and somehow I don't feel like I have that. Maybe it's because we've moved around, and the places that I have a connection to are gone, and what's left is a 'new' home, one that never starts feeling real. It's strange though, we've lived there for maybe 8 years now, and still it doesn't feel right. And then my friends were talking about their fathers yesterday, and I went outside for a cigarette because I realized I couldn't sit there and listen any longer. Because I'd give anything to have my dad near, to just go out for a beer and talk about life, to joke around, to have him give me advice that I'll be convinced I don't actually need. But I know that's impossible, he's not here and he won't be here. And that's just the way the cards turned out. I never got to be the girl embarrassed of her father as he talks to her friends.
I should go though, writing about this isn't going to help, and certainly not tonight. It's time to put a happy face on.