I couldn't sleep last as I was trying to decide whether writing is worth it. I used to love it.l I still do, but it's different now I think. Before, writing was what I lived for. It consumed me completely and I was only myself when I was typing away. My great dream was to become a published author. I was obsessed with words.
I was looking at pieces I wrote yesterday, and I realized that all that time that I was writing, I was completely depressed. And all that misery I saw kind of scared the shit out of me. Because I want to keep writing, and I want to finish this book, which I have abandoned for months now, but I don't want to be sad. I moved to Paris a month ago, and I have been so happy here so far. And the thing is, once I start writing again, I change. When I'm writing I become a quiet person, I observe but I don't really participate in life, and everything turns sad as I try and give things a significance, and often fail. I don't want to turn this into a sad experience.
So is it worth it? If writing is what you do best, but you cannot do it any other way than through depression, is it best to quit? And live a happy life dedicated to other affairs? I never had a choice before, words were oxygen for me, and that makes me question whether I am being honest with myself. I am a poetic person, and I think through metaphors, and I believe in love, and I believe that I have met the one person I am meant to love, and I believe that he is the most beautiful person that has ever lived. But at the same time, I can be cold and cruel and completely out of touch with emotions. I'm two sides of the coin, one contradicting the other. But I'm not going to try and make an effort to be creative on this blog, nor am I going to attempt using beautiful words. This blog is me thinking out loud, that's the best description I can come up with. Some days it's me complaining, others questioning, and others dreaming. Just a window into the world where one person talks out loud. And it just so happens that tonight I'm questioning, are my words really worth it?
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