Sunday, September 25, 2011

Making plans

I'm always very cautious with what I wish for, because I live by the principle that you might just get it all. I think my life is pretty good really, I've had a good education, and I'm still receiving it now, I have a good family (for the most of it), and I have some pretty awesome friends. But I guess what we have is never enough. What isn't enough in my life, I'd say, is the funds to be free. My dad screwed up big time years ago and we've sort of being paying the price ever since. I want to break free, I need to fend for myself really, I don't have a back up option or a safety net to fall back on. So basically once I graduate, I'm alone. If I want money, I have to go and earn it, and no one can help me out. No matter how bad it gets. That's okay I guess, if everything's granted to you on a silver plate you'll never know how to fight for your life, right? It's just a little annoying, that's all. And I love my family, but sometimes I wish they tried harder. My dad is pretty much out of the picture by now, I was raised by my mum, and although she's wonderful and I am beyond grateful for everything she gave me, I sometimes wish they were all somewhat different. I feel guilty even thinking this but I just feel out of place at times. I think of the ordinary dinners we have, and they're always so silent. There's just nothing to say, and I feel so bored in their company most times. There's no intellectual stimulation of any kind. And I'm a bad person for writing this and having the indecency to complain.
But all I want really is freedom, and the way to acquire that in my perspective, is by having money. I want to feel completely independent, owe nothing to no one, and know that if I feel like catching a place to Barbados in the morning, I can, because I worked for it, and I secured that right for myself. So although writing is something beautiful to me, and so deeply personal, I am not oblivious to how fluctuating a life it can be if you dedicate your life to words. I'm not sure if I'm willing to take that chance. Making a career for myself is my way out, so I need to stop putting things on hold and making excuses. I need to fight for survival.
I want to finish my degree with an excellent diploma, and then I want to somehow get a masters (God knows with what money right now!) and then I want to start working, and go up the career ladder until I'm high enough that no one can reach me. That's my plan.
And now I need to get some sleep, as much as I don't want to, because as soon as I'm asleep it's sunday and sunday's are not a good day. As a general rule they're the day when I have to get all the work done that I've avoided all weekend , and tomorrow will be no exception.


  1. So sorry to hear about this, I hope everything will turn out great for you :) xo