Tuesday, September 27, 2011

A positive light

I think my cynicism is being misinterpreted for sadness. I never meant to make this a diary of depressed confessions, it's just documented thoughts mostly. I read the comments I got on my previous post though and apparently the impression I've left so far is that I'm going through a 'bad time' which I really am not.
I think I may generally be a writer who can't write 'happy'. I've never enjoyed it either. When it comes to writing, happiness has no substance for me, it's all about psychoanalysis and twisted musings. But that's the thing, I may write an entry about the endless meaninglessness of the world, but then I'll get up and have the greatest day with my friends. I've learnt to draw the line. Sometimes it seems like my life and the things I write about are completely separate, but it's because I've stopped letting myself immerse into what I write. I also think maybe party I've given this misleading perception because I'm being too honest. When I created this blog I decided this would be the one place where I wouldn't hold back on saying things, regardless of social taboo or embarrassment. But talking about a former eating disorder, for example, it doesn't affect me like it used you. I look down the path, wonder how I got there, but then I look forward, and the past stays right where it has to.
There's two sides to me, the emotional romantic who believes in all things beautiful, and then there's the cynical bitch who never see's anything in a positive light.
So anyway, given that I don't want to mislead anyone no further with this 'depressed' myth, I will do what 'Shades of Grey' suggested. A list of some things I love about my life. (See, there ARE some things that I actually enjoy about it! :))

The Seine 
First of all, I live in the most beautiful city in the world. I remember coming here last year and wishing I could move here. I wanted this more than anything else in the world. And now I've got it!

I love my college. I may complain about it a lot because it's so much work, and so little time to actually do it, but I love it. I love what I'm studying, and the opportunities I'm getting. And as hard as it is to do it all in French, I'm glad it is. It's about time I learnt the language once and for all!

Although it may seem like writing brings me down, I love having it. It's my therapy, and I cannot imagine going through life without having that outlet. I can safely say that it's one of the best things that has ever happened to me.

I'm relatively happy with where I am in terms of looks now too. I know there's still some miles to go but I am so much more confident and at peace with myself now than I was, say, a year ago, or 2, or 3, or even 5. I like feeling good.

And I really love the people that I have in my life. I have been so lucky with the friends I've made and having such a loving family. And with S, who may be far away and not really here at all, but that doesn't change things in the slightest. I will never regret him.

So hopefully now my life no longer seems too depressing and miserable, which it really isn't, I swear! It has its perks. And now it's time to go make something useful out of this day.


  1. Writers are artists.. many artists have moments when they are not shouting for joy..but they have their inner knowing..that all is well out of that joy zone also..

    My friend lent me some CDs that I enjoyed..Nathalie Goldberg..all about writing.. I am not a writer..but really really liked them.
    I love words..calligraphy.. penmanship..
    I have to tell you that you write very well..
    Good for you for having a lace where you can write exactly how you feel.
    I keep a journal.. I have kept a few in the last 2 yrs.And I am glad I did an do..
    You do have so much to be grateful for:)
    Your health..#1~

  2. Aww... you're too cute and ur going to oktoberbest ! Shit Im so jealous. I need to get on the treadmill as well man ! Btw, your life is certainly more rocking than mine coz it's friday and I have NO PLANS :-/ sucks for me. time for me to write about things i love in my life.