I think I may generally be a writer who can't write 'happy'. I've never enjoyed it either. When it comes to writing, happiness has no substance for me, it's all about psychoanalysis and twisted musings. But that's the thing, I may write an entry about the endless meaninglessness of the world, but then I'll get up and have the greatest day with my friends. I've learnt to draw the line. Sometimes it seems like my life and the things I write about are completely separate, but it's because I've stopped letting myself immerse into what I write. I also think maybe party I've given this misleading perception because I'm being too honest. When I created this blog I decided this would be the one place where I wouldn't hold back on saying things, regardless of social taboo or embarrassment. But talking about a former eating disorder, for example, it doesn't affect me like it used you. I look down the path, wonder how I got there, but then I look forward, and the past stays right where it has to.
There's two sides to me, the emotional romantic who believes in all things beautiful, and then there's the cynical bitch who never see's anything in a positive light.
So anyway, given that I don't want to mislead anyone no further with this 'depressed' myth, I will do what 'Shades of Grey' suggested. A list of some things I love about my life. (See, there ARE some things that I actually enjoy about it! :))
I love my college. I may complain about it a lot because it's so much work, and so little time to actually do it, but I love it. I love what I'm studying, and the opportunities I'm getting. And as hard as it is to do it all in French, I'm glad it is. It's about time I learnt the language once and for all!
Although it may seem like writing brings me down, I love having it. It's my therapy, and I cannot imagine going through life without having that outlet. I can safely say that it's one of the best things that has ever happened to me.
I'm relatively happy with where I am in terms of looks now too. I know there's still some miles to go but I am so much more confident and at peace with myself now than I was, say, a year ago, or 2, or 3, or even 5. I like feeling good.
And I really love the people that I have in my life. I have been so lucky with the friends I've made and having such a loving family. And with S, who may be far away and not really here at all, but that doesn't change things in the slightest. I will never regret him.
So hopefully now my life no longer seems too depressing and miserable, which it really isn't, I swear! It has its perks. And now it's time to go make something useful out of this day.