Sunday, September 25, 2011

A beautiful sunday, and a shitload of work.

It's a beautiful day today in Paris. The sun is shining and the weather is fantastic. I went to the sunday market in the morning right by my house and bought some fruit, they had the nicest mangos! And then I found other things to distract myself with, anything to avoid writing this essay that's due in tomorrow in FRENCH.
I've been studying french for a few years now, and I'm doing it for my degree too, but ever since I moved here a little over a month ago, I feel like it's shit! Which is pretty crappy since I get graded on participation in class, something I feel like I cannot do, since I'm too self conscious about making a grammar mistake or pronouncing something terribly wrong and looking stupid. I have to get over it, I know, but that's easier said than done.
So anyway, now it's time to write my very first essay here, and I feel beyond lost and terrified to even start, hence I'm blogging.
It's time to start dieting hard core too. Kind of comes with the change of location. Paris is all about looking good, and you don't look good if you have any extra pounds, which I certainly do. But I have a bit of a messed up history with dieting. I was overweight for years, and I tried and tried to lose weight but my appetite always won over me. Until not that long ago, somewhere 6 to 9 months ago, I started developing an eating disorder. It started with fasting. It wasn't even planned, I just woke up one morning and decided to quit eating. Without any agenda I ended up on a 4 day fast, until I felt so weak I couldn't continue. But then fasting became this thing that I'd come back to pretty often. I'd attempt it, I'd fail, I'd attempt again.So my eating habits got pretty fucked up. It ended with me almost becoming bulimic. I say almost because I got out of it before it took over me. I lost a lot of weight, around 15lbs, in a really short period of time, not even a month! And then the summer saved me. I went home, and I stopped doing it. I didn't put any of the weight back on, because I was careful, I started watching what I ate, and I think anyone who has any experience with bulimia starts looking at food differently. There are foods that I can't come anywhere near since then actually, becomes even the sound of them only reminds me of their after taste after throwing them up. But I don't want to get into that really, this isn't going to be about that, at least I hope not. But regardless, I look back at me then and I was so unhappy, because food literally took over my life. It was the number 1 thing on my list. And they don't call it a disorder for nothing.  Now  I cannot imagine going back to that. That strength or weakness I had, or maybe desperation, to succumb to an eating disorder, it's gone. And I don't want it back because I've been so happy here. I still have a few pounds to lose, but I'm afraid to do it by unhealthy means, and I won't. It's not worth the price. I've just never been that good at healthy dieting. I hope it's never late to learn though.
Time to get cracking on this essay now, it's not going to write itself :( Time to remember all my french...


  1. I totally understand your problem with being self-conscious about writing in French. After all, it's not easy to write a whole essay in a language you are not completely confident in. However, I would just like to remind you that, no matter how many grammar mistakes you make in French, you can rest assured that a French person would make at least twice as many as you in English, and probably even more in French. From experience I can safely say that 80 % of French people cannot write proper French (no matter what impression they give you).
    I'm sure you will manage all future essays just fine.
    Bon courage! :)

  2. Bon Courage in everything..
    Look at your determination:) Wow..I am impressed.
    I am French but in Canada..a French Canadian..I have been to France once but not Paris..we hope to go back one day.
    I bet you are just right:)

    Don't look around..keep looking looks great from where I sit.

  3. It seems that we have more than a lot in common, but fortunately not only on the bad side.