Thursday, December 27, 2012

Ramble ramble

Day 5 without antidepressants and I'm feeling fine. I've barely changed. The tears are gone and I'm not even all that sad. Just tired. Very tired. How can they expect me to keep taking them when they destroy me? Because thats all that can destroy a writer - whatever destroys his ability to write. And I'm not giving that up. It's all I'm made of.

I'm starting to feel like my boss hates me, but maybe thats just my imagination. But I wont be surprised if I'm fired any time soon. Nor will I be upset if I speak honestly. This place almost kills me. 8 hours of continuous repetition. How do people put up with that for years?

There's less than an hour left of work so I'm just killing time. It's all I do at work. I kill my life as I wait for the clock to tick away til 6pm. And time couldnt move any slower.

I wish I could write poetry. I am fascinated by it. By the talent to organise words in an order that makes them rhyme, that leaves the edges so succinct. I attempt it of course, but my poetry is poor and useless. I wonder if it comes with practice or whether you must be born a poet. Something tells me it is the latter.

My sisters boyfriend arrived today so we'll be hanging out with him for a while. He's a smart guy but I'm no longer a smart girl. I used to be, back in the summer, when I was schizo; that's when we met. But now I'm like a downgraded version of myself. Same face, different story. 47 minutes left, can I ramble for that long? But why fill this blog with polluted text that has no purpose? Because I'm hoping that writing even such simple things will help me start writing my novel again. I keep waiting for something to hit me, a wave or a hurricane, so I can continue what I do best. So I can finish it and see whether it's worth anything.

I have a peculiar brain. According to some, I have to medicate myself against it for my entire life. But that sounds like a death sentence to me. Not being able to own your mind, just because you're not quite like everybody else. Having to suppress things that are dying to come out. Who the hell do they think they are? And how does anyone have the right to tell me that my mind is inadequate. Is schizophrenia a life sentence? Yes. Is it dangerous? Yes. Is it worth the risk? Yes. Damn whatever they say, they dont understand it. How can you unless you're in it, right? And I was in it. And it made me understand things I would have never understood before. I saved myself. I self medicated my brain against depression and understood my entire life. And although half of it was built on a fallacy, that doesnt mean that my whole argument was wrong. I got carried away, but I was just a begginer, and now I'm a veteran. I've survived the war and I'm not scared to go back in. To me, there is nothing more fascinating than a mad mind. There is so much truth hidden in the corners of someone who is completely delusional.

I met up with a friend yesterday and he told me I need to move out, and he is so spot on. My house destroys me, my family is so infected with sadness that it kills everyone around us. And maybe I'm the cause of it right now but I was only a child before and they cant hold me responsible for that. I need to move out, but that is so unrealistic right now that I cant even dream about it. I wish life was more accomodating to young people, I wish it made it easier to start your life off, but unless you have money, you're stuck where you came from, like me. But this cant last forever. One day I will pack my bags and by some miracle, leave. I will finally be alone again, with no one messing with my mind or body. Until then I am just like him, imprisoned and wishing he took me with him.

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