Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Drugs or no drugs, that is the question.

I've been taking anti depressants and abilify since September I think. At the beginning I didnt mind it, it didnt affect my writing. But now, I cant write for shit. And unless I finish my novel my life is going to stay this way forever: I dont know how else to get out of this. If I write a novel and somehow it ends up successful, that's my way out. If not, then maybe life isn't for me.

I was thinking about this last night and neither work nor studying appeals to me anymore. Nothing does. I want to write, but above everything I want to be able to write, and the drugs have killed it.

Maybe it's a huge mistake but 4 days ago I flushed the pills down the toilet and decided to never take them again. What has followed is two nights of being overly emotional, crying for no apparent reason and a lot of cold sweating. And now I dont know what to do. If I stay on them I'll remain a futile vegetable, if I dont I risk being caught by my mother who is already suspicious and has asked me on several occassions whether I'm still taking the drugs (and we live together so its hard to hide. Today I had to pretend to take them and then spit them out later.) But either way, I dont know whether I can keep this up. She'll catch onto me soon enough. But it is my body, and there is no way in hell that I'm planning to become one of those people who take drugs for years. I wanted it to be a solution to a problem, but now that things have calmed down, I want to try on my own. I mean, whats happened really isnt the end of the world. So I cry occassionally but I dont care. Its worth it if I can start writing soon again.

But the bigger problem here is that I have no one to talk to. A few days ago my sister and I met up with a friend who used to take anti depressants, and he urged me to go off them. And I did. But he also told me that he thinks that I'm the brains of the family, and unless I get out of this, no one else in my family ever will. Im the younger sister, but Ive never felt like it. My sister relies on my guidance, not so much anymore because she's sort of rebelling, and my mother is a deeply unhappy person who suffers daily because of my depression.

I have an appointment to see my psychiatrist in mid January but do I really want to wait that long? Besides, he'll tell me not to go off them, and if he says that, my mother says that. I feel trapped and what's worse - alone. There is no one to talk to, to ask for a solution, there is just me, the brains of the family, feeling brain dead every day.

What do I do?

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