A wednesday at work. No excitement. Except my boss just came to talk to me. That was interesting. She told me that if I want to succeed in this business I have to be more hands on, and she's right of course. She told me I look sad, and don't seem to enjoy the job. She's hit the jackpot there. I hate the job. If I had the means for it I'd quit today. But that's just mindless dreaming.
I wish I could have told her the truth, but she's my boss, not my best friend. I did however tell her about my schizophrenia, and that I'm on anti depressants, which is the reason apparently for why I'm so calm and asleep all of the time. I want to get off medication. That's something I have to talk to my doctor about. Except I'm scared to relapse. To fall down again. Either way, I almost felt like crying when I spoke to her. Thank god I didn't.
There's 3 hours and 20 minutes left of work. That's what I do everyday, just countdown til I cant get the hell out of here. And that's no way to live, I know that, but how can you make yourself enjoy something that you dont? And what the hell would I enjoy anyway? I could quit of course, but where else is there to go? The next place will be just as bad. If not worse.
I have no idea what I'm supposed to do. Power through I guess. Hold my breath and keep working, become more hands on, wake the hell up. What the fuck has my life come to?
Keep writing! Maybe it's not enough for you now, but your writings have the power to make us feel very connected to you. That's a power nobody can take away from you ... You have it even if you don't know you have it! You have the power to touch, to move with your words and I hope you realize that and can continue doing that. That's something you can hold on to...
ReplyDeleteSounds terrible, I can't even imagine going to a job I hate 5 days a week. Hold on, things will change if you let them.
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