Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Why don't you know me?

Isn't this what it's all about? Talking to your parents and actually feeling better about yourself from the conversations? Because when I talk to him, I feel more loved. He tells me that I'm pretty, he says if you weren't my daughter I would have fallen in love with you right now, he tells me I've lost weight, he tells me that it'll be okay, he reminds me that after all college years are the best of your life, and he encourages me to keep going. He's being my dad.

But when I talk to you, I feel destroyed. I love you, mum, I really do, but I feel like you're destroying me. I wish I could explain it but your words stab me right in the heart, and they haunt me, and they have put me off food forever. Your words have bred this monster inside of me. And I don't want to hold you responsible for this, because you're not, it's all my doing. But why don't you know me? Like really know me, like a parent is supposed to know their kid? You're meant to feel me, you're meant to see past every silence, past every lie. You don't though, you believe that I'm a pathological liar yet you can never tell the lies apart from the truth. It's bittersweet really, you believe my lies and you refute my truths.

I wish we had stayed a family. There's nothing I want more than that. Nothing.

8 comments:

  1. It's really touching,what you wrote.It made be think about my fucked up family/-relations.
    I know it's a cliche but you should care more about the good parts about your parents,cause that's what actually counts.We all can find negative parts about our parents,the positive ones are the ones that mean something.
    Lots of love dear Vi!
    Love,Just.

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  2. Your dad sounds so sweet. I wish I had a dad like that. But I can relate completely to your mother. Both my parents are jerks, who think i'm full of shit, a liar...it sucks. I hope you stay positive.
    xx

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  3. It's called A New Earth.. trust me it's not all about that..:)The Cds I spoke to you about..
    I can't comment..I don't know who did what?

    I do wish you and your mom had a better relationship..You are her greatest gift on this earth.

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  4. Those words were bang-on... :-)

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  5. This is beautifully written!

    A friend of mine told me a while ago that before I can ask my mother to fully know and understand me, I should try to know and understand her better as well... It won't necessarily change her attitude and how much she knows me, but I will understand where her attitude comes from better and it will affect me less.

    So I slowly realised that there are things that I just can't get from my parents, just like there are things they can give me, and I should enjoy what I can get from them more and look for the rest in other places. Each person can only give what he/she has to offer.

    I don't know if this helps, but it's just how I feel...

    PS: How long will you be staying in Paris? I might go there for a weekend next year and would love to meet you if you'd like :)

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  6. life's not a movie... stop dreaming and come back to real life, it is what it is, emo-girl

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  7. I think it's a shame that you have to label everyone a certain away just because they may fit the description Alice.

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