Just a little

Seems like the only thing I'm good at is disappearing. Honestly, I was sinking there for a while. I kept crying and crying and everything hurt so much. But then I went home, just for 10 days, and it inspired me to live again. Being around my dog heals me, he is the only one who has ever helped me with my depression. And talking to my sister and being taken care of by my mother helped. I came back and I am trying to live. I miss less classes, I socialise just a little more often, and I'm trying to become a better friend. It's an effort, but I think it's worth it. 

I have been smoking a lot lately, I am pretty much always either rolling or smoking a joint. Honestly, I think im trying to get my schizophrenia back. Life is such a downgrade without it. 

Also, my mac broke so please pray with me. I foolishly left it on the floor and it rained and the window was open so yeah... Have an appointment at apple on Monday. And seriously, I cannot afford another computer. I am so beyond broke. And there is nothing more exhausting than having no money. 

Love 

The waves

I know, it's been a while. Truthfully, I completely forgot about this blog. And then something made me remember it and I went through my old posts and realized that it's nice to have some sort of diary of your life, just so you remember.

I have moved back to England a few weeks ago, and honestly, I'm finding it hard to cope. I'm all alone again and beginning to let myself go. It's 9:23 in the morning and I've already had two joints, and about to have a third one. I feel lonely and tired, and bored of my classes again. Loneliness really is the human condition. My motto in high school was 'Life's a bitch and then you die'. Looks like I wasn't so far off the truth back then after all.

I'll write again.

xoxo

Pain.

I still love him. It still hurts.

Just make me.

I'm actually starting to enjoy my job a little more but unfortunately I think I''m getting fired at the end of the month. My boss implied it. But I can't say I'm upset about that either. Honestly, I'm waiting for someone to lift that burden off me. It's so difficult to work. I feel like it kills me. It kills anything creative left inside of me. Bureaucracy is beginning to kill me. I really feel like I wasn't meant for  this world. I can't work. I don't want to. Any job kills me. I simply want to stay home and write. But I can't write after 8 hours of sitting at a desk answering phone calls and making generic translations. I come back zombified. And it's all I want. To simply sit with my laptop and try to create something beautiful. I wish I could afford that.

I'm going to try and write. I have to.

Food and work.

I used to have an eating disorder. I was bulimic with anorexic tendencies. And now I'm just fat. After I was put on medication I started eating like crazy and now I look atrocious. And the worst part is that I have no idea how to lose it, and I simply must by the summer. I am not a sporty person at all and I cant seem to go back to my old habits of not eating. In fact, as I'm writing this I'm absolutely starving. I'm always hungry. It's a disaster.

Also, I get so tired at work. After about an hour my head starts hurting and it's a pain. I'm not very able to do much at all. I'm always sleepy and tired, and I have no social life. How do I start fixing my life?

Not a brand new world after all.

I went to see my psychiatrist today, he said I looked sad. No big news there. The guy annoys me. He is an extremely slow talker and he never says anything new. And he loves to give examples from his personal life which frankly I dont give a shit about. The one good news is that he prescribed anti depressants for my mother, who definitely needs them more than me. As for mine, I havent been taking them and I feel just fine. Nothing's changed. I'm just as sad. Just as indifferent.

This only reminds me that it has to be me who does something. No one is going to do anything for me. When I was little I had this huge fantasy that I'd be saved by someone. It's only after my schizophrenia that I understood that that would never happen, and I have to find a way to be okay with that. This isn't Disney.

Happy New Year!

It's  time to make plans and promises. I promise to be better, to no longer let myself fall even further. From now on I start over. And I promise to try. To give life another shot. And that's a lot for me, trust me.