Just make me.

I'm actually starting to enjoy my job a little more but unfortunately I think I''m getting fired at the end of the month. My boss implied it. But I can't say I'm upset about that either. Honestly, I'm waiting for someone to lift that burden off me. It's so difficult to work. I feel like it kills me. It kills anything creative left inside of me. Bureaucracy is beginning to kill me. I really feel like I wasn't meant for  this world. I can't work. I don't want to. Any job kills me. I simply want to stay home and write. But I can't write after 8 hours of sitting at a desk answering phone calls and making generic translations. I come back zombified. And it's all I want. To simply sit with my laptop and try to create something beautiful. I wish I could afford that.

I'm going to try and write. I have to.

Food and work.

I used to have an eating disorder. I was bulimic with anorexic tendencies. And now I'm just fat. After I was put on medication I started eating like crazy and now I look atrocious. And the worst part is that I have no idea how to lose it, and I simply must by the summer. I am not a sporty person at all and I cant seem to go back to my old habits of not eating. In fact, as I'm writing this I'm absolutely starving. I'm always hungry. It's a disaster.

Also, I get so tired at work. After about an hour my head starts hurting and it's a pain. I'm not very able to do much at all. I'm always sleepy and tired, and I have no social life. How do I start fixing my life?

Not a brand new world after all.

I went to see my psychiatrist today, he said I looked sad. No big news there. The guy annoys me. He is an extremely slow talker and he never says anything new. And he loves to give examples from his personal life which frankly I dont give a shit about. The one good news is that he prescribed anti depressants for my mother, who definitely needs them more than me. As for mine, I havent been taking them and I feel just fine. Nothing's changed. I'm just as sad. Just as indifferent.

This only reminds me that it has to be me who does something. No one is going to do anything for me. When I was little I had this huge fantasy that I'd be saved by someone. It's only after my schizophrenia that I understood that that would never happen, and I have to find a way to be okay with that. This isn't Disney.

Happy New Year!

It's  time to make plans and promises. I promise to be better, to no longer let myself fall even further. From now on I start over. And I promise to try. To give life another shot. And that's a lot for me, trust me.