Always

You will always be my biggest 'what if'.

My fantasy

I had a fantasy about tomorrow. I imagined you kissing my fingers, my forehead, smiling at me with that beautiful mouth, looking at me in a way that would make me feel invincible. I imagined us as something beautiful, as something that was meant to be. I was so hopeful. But instead, I will sit silently beside you, and the room will be faint of feelings. The two hours will pass and I'll pack my thing as you pack yours. We'll walk out without glances, probably even without regrets, and walk our separate ways. You'll live your life, and I'll live mine. I'll take the metro to the station, and act as happy as I can, all the while imagining what it would feel like if you were with me. I wish that fantasy came true, I wish we hadn't lost it.

Painfully aware

I avoid going home because at home I feel lonely. I sit in the library instead, the silence, the sound of typing, the strangers around me, it makes me feel better. I don't feel so alone. Home has become a dangerous place, full of temptations and potential screw-ups. I never thought I'd reach the day when home would feel like a threat.

Paris is as beautiful as always. I love stopping myself from whatever I'm doing sometimes and making myself remember that. I never want to cease my love affair with Paris, I never want to forget just how lucky I am to be here. I want to be painfully aware of everything.

On a less poetic note, I think it's time to invest in a new laptop. As much as I love mine, it's pretty broken right now, and I'm just not sure on whether it's really worth to fix it. So I'm contemplating on buying a macbook air. Decision decisions...  But I do need a computer I can carry around with me, especially with exams coming up. If only money wasn't such an issue all the time though.

Beautiful people

Beautiful people do not just happen.

Elizabeth Kubler Ross 

11/11/11

I drive through the night city and I realize just how screwed up I let everything get. I met a friend today, the one person in this foreign city who knows me for more than just a few months. 15 years is how far back we go. I sat around in his apartment and realized just how tired I am. Sadness always sneaks up on me, I never expect it. It can come at any given moment, it just bursts in and suddenly everything is dark. I felt like crying out loud that I need help. That I just need someone to tell me that I don't have to be strong all the time. That they will take care of me, and I can sleep in peace just for one night. But I've always had to be strong. The past five years I spent in foreign cities. Two in each, always starting over, always learning more about strength. Never allowing myself to give up, even for a little while. I'm tired and I need help. But there's no one to reach out to. Because I've been taught to be strong, and strength is the ultimate gift.
I look at my hands and they reveal the true story. That I haven't been strong at all, that I've fallen back into the same routine. They reveal too much, the scars on my hands. They are the whole story.
I made a wish at 11:11, my idea of beauty, and my idea of love.
Tomorrow the sun will rise again, tomorrow I'll have to pretend all over again.

Being twenty

To tell you the truth I haven't doing that well at all lately. My whole world is falling apart and I have no energy to do anything but watch. This whole 'being twenty' thing isn't working out as well as I thought.

Chapter two

Love

People think that if you love somebody hard enough then everything is just gonna work out. People are wrong. 

OTH

Step one

I've realized that I have to teach myself to be studious again. Maybe that's just it, the problem I'm having. I've forgotten what it's like to study hard, and it's hard to get back to doing something you haven't done in a long time. I know I wrote before that it's time to change and sort my life out, but the studying part of it I kept putting off. I don't have time to put it off much longer. And as hard as I find it to focus and concentrate, I have to learn to do it again, like I did when I was younger. So the goal for today is the catch up on intellectual property law. Forget all the other modules for the day, today that's the bridge I have to cross. And the first step is always the hardest. But once you make it, it's easier to keep walking. It's time to make step one.

Quiet

One day left and it is finally half term break. I cannot emphasize enough how relieved I am to know that. The last 8 weeks have been a mess! I have never felt so disorganised and shit at studying before. I'm looking forward to no classes, to quiet afternoons and long walks, and reading nice books and just generally recovering from all the negative of my life. I also made a plan for the weeks to come after the break, because I cannot keep this disorganisation up, and it's going to be hard! I have so many things to get done every week, so many presentations, essays and debates to prepare, and most of them in french too! So all things considered the end of the semester is going to be an absolute bitch. So mostly I will have to dedicate my time to studying for the next 11 days. But at least I can do it at my own pace, and not have new things pile up on my desk. I look forward to quiet. And being healthy, which hasn't been working out all that well for the past week. I look forward to recovering.