I drive through the night city and I realize just how screwed up I let everything get. I met a friend today, the one person in this foreign city who knows me for more than just a few months. 15 years is how far back we go. I sat around in his apartment and realized just how tired I am. Sadness always sneaks up on me, I never expect it. It can come at any given moment, it just bursts in and suddenly everything is dark. I felt like crying out loud that I need help. That I just need someone to tell me that I don't have to be strong all the time. That they will take care of me, and I can sleep in peace just for one night. But I've always had to be strong. The past five years I spent in foreign cities. Two in each, always starting over, always learning more about strength. Never allowing myself to give up, even for a little while. I'm tired and I need help. But there's no one to reach out to. Because I've been taught to be strong, and strength is the ultimate gift.
I look at my hands and they reveal the true story. That I haven't been strong at all, that I've fallen back into the same routine. They reveal too much, the scars on my hands. They are the whole story.
I made a wish at 11:11, my idea of beauty, and my idea of love.
Tomorrow the sun will rise again, tomorrow I'll have to pretend all over again.
I'm sorry you're so sad Vi. Thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteJen ( moved to a new blog)
Viii! *tightest hugs*
ReplyDeleteThis post, the way you've described your feelings = brilliant! Really.
I know that moment when you're just struggling to not breakdown and all you need is one hug or somebody to say,it's okay not to be a wall all the time and the tears come falling down!
Take care
And I hope that 11.11.11 wish of yours, comes true very soon :)
All the best!
xx
Thanks for sharing! Even though we don't know how reading your posts can provide any help for you, one thing stands out from all of this: our problems fade in front of yours and then watching your struggles and your commitment to keep the fight gives us so much encouragement.
ReplyDeleteWe really hope you can always succeed, that you can always fight your way back up and doing so you can also be useful teaching us some lessons of courage to get ourselves out of the entanglements of life.
At some point we all need that person who can make us feel protected,loved or just get us through the night in any possible way.
ReplyDeleteI like the way you express your feelings Vi!
Looking forward to read more,and maybe I'll find some time to browse your past posts,it seems like a good choice for spending my time.
Love,Just.