I bought myself a diary the other day, and it has gradually turned into my therapy. I realized that whilst I sit in class and contemplate on just how bad my french is, I need to write, because my head is overflowing with thoughts and feelings. So I bought a notebook and it is filled with pages of writing already. 3 days and 8 pages of self-analysis and self-loathing. I have become addicted to it.
I don't think I can emphasize enough on just how bad school is going. And the worst part is, I can't get myself into a studious mindset. I am always distracted, always wondering about irrelevant things and always in need to analyse my own screwed up self. I have an exam on monday though, and I am going to do the very best I can to study for it. No time to waste. I have a week of at the end of october and I think I'm just going to stay here and make myself study 24/7, maybe I'll manage to at least partly catch up then!
My best friend is in town for the day, so I'm going to go meet her in a few hours. The last time I saw her was weeks ago, on the 5th of september. But truth be told, that is a small consolation. I am one of those people who still keeps all things important to herself. I can't bare the fact of having people know too much about me, even those who are closest to me, and have been with me for many many years. I don't like being vulnerable. And I especially don't like talks about my romantic life (or lack of thereof).
My mum left yesterday, and although I read all your advice on talking to her on how I'm feeling, I couldn't do it. I wish I knew it would help, but I know it couldn't. My mum is a 'tough love' kind of person. She doesn't believe in being soft, she goes straight to the point and although the truth is always good, it's also hard to take. I am not oblivious to reality, and I know all those things she says, I wholeheartedly agree, but sometimes I just need someone to support me despite them. So I am aware of the fact that had I sad something, she would have strictly told me to focus on my studies, stop eating, and not waste time on bullshit thoughts. And I know all those things already. I just need a shoulder to cry on sometimes, a moment to allow myself to be weak. I don't think she believes in weakness.
Your description of your mother reminds me a bit of mine :) I also can't get myself to show my vulnerability to her, it seems like she always 'dismisses' it. She's more of a 'let's fix it' or 'it's not a real problem' kind of person. I don't think she does it on purpose, though. It's just how life made her.
ReplyDeleteI also feel sometimes that she would like to be able to be what I need from her, just a shoulder to cry on, a hug and an ear to listen without judgement. I feel like I'm being unfair to her by not trusting her enough to really communicate, though.
I think it must be very difficult for a mother to witness our sadness and pain, knowing that they cannot fix their child's problem. Maybe that's why they have that tough attitude. It's their way of being vulnerable?
Your journal is such a great idea..I keep some also..and didn't for 100 yrs:)
ReplyDeleteI find they are so useful..
When you look back..you see that you have come along:) Not the next week.. Patience:)
This blog you nurture is just such a thing also..And it is your confidante.
Let us be your shoulder ..
Sorry to hear the communication w/ your mom ..is different.
Of course she wants you to focus on studies..we worry~
It's natural.
But I know..it's because she wants you happy and feels that if you can look after yourself..that's one step ahead~..
I used to want my daughters to finish their studies also..They did and have degrees and I am proud of their accomplishments for them..and the doors that open..
They are wonderful mothers..and daughters.. That's what makes me happiest when I look at them.
The way they look at their children:)
Have a nice time with your best friend..
I love SM..Couldn't get the video to play..But I know her:)
Maybe your mother's criticism is her way to deal with the fear she has for you. I am not a mother, but I can imagine that parents are scared for their children's futures, so they try to find what's best for them (at least what they think is best) and they sometimes impose it on them (hence the criticism).
ReplyDeleteThey just don't always see that they might be doing it the wrong way... I'm saying that because I recently discovered that I do something similar with my little brother. Now that I'm aware of it, I try to do it less, though.
I don't think that your mother criticises you because she thinks you're not how you should be or because she's disappointed in you. I wonder if it's not just really simply because she thinks she's 'doing what's best for you' (I know, it's a bit of a cliché, but I really think people feel like this).It seems almost selfish but might actually be a way of showing her love?
Of course, I don't know her as well as you do, so I don't want to assume that I'm right. It's just a thought...
i'm sorry things aren't going well at school. i used to experience that same feeling during class, though... i couldn't concentrate on anything the teacher was saying... all i could do was sit there and write. and then, i'd have to devote lots of free time to studying so i'd be caught up with my classes :) everything will be ok, dearie - keep writing & feeling your emotions... believe it or not, they can be healing.
ReplyDeleteas for your mom, i'm sorry you feel that you can't really express yourself to her without her just trying to fix the problem. there are a lot of people like that in my life, and i've learned that in order for them to respond the way i need them to, it's all in how i present my problem. it seems i have to really tell them i'm upset - before telling them any of the details - and then they respond a little differently. i hope that made a little bit of sense, haha.
i hope things get better for you soon. and i hope the rest of the weekend is a good one. :)
I understand the problems u face in your French class, cos I face the same problems in my German class. I'm so occupied with other things that studying German is the last thing on my mind. And to add to that, I have tests just 10 days away from today! But one advice that I followed while doing my engineering was never to give up, UNTIL the nth moment and that is what I'm applying to my German learning as well.
ReplyDeleteSo if I 'plan' to learn ten new things in German language, I make an effort to at least learn 4-5. Trust me, it helps! I try to remain calm, and not worry about how badly I might fail, but instead I try to think how many questions I will answer as perfectly as possible! Going by this advice, in the past 2-3 days, I have learnt a few things that I never bothered to learn in the class previously, for the various distractions and irrelevant thoughts! So, today I fell, 15-20% more confident about facing my test!
Just don't give up Vi! Wishing you the very best (for everything)! :-)