Pain.

I still love him. It still hurts.

Just make me.

I'm actually starting to enjoy my job a little more but unfortunately I think I''m getting fired at the end of the month. My boss implied it. But I can't say I'm upset about that either. Honestly, I'm waiting for someone to lift that burden off me. It's so difficult to work. I feel like it kills me. It kills anything creative left inside of me. Bureaucracy is beginning to kill me. I really feel like I wasn't meant for  this world. I can't work. I don't want to. Any job kills me. I simply want to stay home and write. But I can't write after 8 hours of sitting at a desk answering phone calls and making generic translations. I come back zombified. And it's all I want. To simply sit with my laptop and try to create something beautiful. I wish I could afford that.

I'm going to try and write. I have to.

Food and work.

I used to have an eating disorder. I was bulimic with anorexic tendencies. And now I'm just fat. After I was put on medication I started eating like crazy and now I look atrocious. And the worst part is that I have no idea how to lose it, and I simply must by the summer. I am not a sporty person at all and I cant seem to go back to my old habits of not eating. In fact, as I'm writing this I'm absolutely starving. I'm always hungry. It's a disaster.

Also, I get so tired at work. After about an hour my head starts hurting and it's a pain. I'm not very able to do much at all. I'm always sleepy and tired, and I have no social life. How do I start fixing my life?

Not a brand new world after all.

I went to see my psychiatrist today, he said I looked sad. No big news there. The guy annoys me. He is an extremely slow talker and he never says anything new. And he loves to give examples from his personal life which frankly I dont give a shit about. The one good news is that he prescribed anti depressants for my mother, who definitely needs them more than me. As for mine, I havent been taking them and I feel just fine. Nothing's changed. I'm just as sad. Just as indifferent.

This only reminds me that it has to be me who does something. No one is going to do anything for me. When I was little I had this huge fantasy that I'd be saved by someone. It's only after my schizophrenia that I understood that that would never happen, and I have to find a way to be okay with that. This isn't Disney.

Happy New Year!

It's  time to make plans and promises. I promise to be better, to no longer let myself fall even further. From now on I start over. And I promise to try. To give life another shot. And that's a lot for me, trust me.

Fuck you life.

I keep asking people wether they like their jobs and to my surprise everyone does. It looks like it's just me who hates this lifestyle of 10-6. My family is out getting their nails done and I'm at work as always. Want to talk about God and justice? Neither exist. If they did, this wouldnt be my place right now. This summer I survived everything, and I was the best person I could ever be, I gave in completely and lived selflessly, and yet look at me now. Punished for God knows what, while everyone else seems to love their life. And then theres my mum who keeps telling me that this is temporary but six months at a job you hate, if not more, doesnt sound like temporary to me. It sounds like a cruel punishment. Im mad at both of them, my sister and my mother. At my sister for being happy and living life exactly the way she wants it, while I, the sick one, work and wonder the fuck I'm for, and at my mother for being so unhappy and infecting me with her bullshit too.

It's almost New Years, but I've never been less excited about it. Another day spent alone in the company of people who only make me feel more lonely. Putting on a smile, pretending to be grateful for things I could never learn to be grateful for, dancing, joking around, bullshitting.

Last night I practically cried myself to sleep. I was crying because life is a fucking bitch. It makes zero sense and yet it hurts like hell at the same time. I have to sit here for another 6 and a half hours, being someone I'm not, and waiting for nothing. I used to be a waiting person, I used to wait for everything, but its easy to stop waiting once you've stopped believing. I dont believe in a single thing about this universe, and my eyes are transparent, like my sister would say. Because theyre empty. Theyre not waiting for anything and theyre not thinking of anything. They're just there, imprisoned like him, and there's not a single person in the world on whose shoulder I could cry on. Everyone is too busy being happy.

Ramble ramble

Day 5 without antidepressants and I'm feeling fine. I've barely changed. The tears are gone and I'm not even all that sad. Just tired. Very tired. How can they expect me to keep taking them when they destroy me? Because thats all that can destroy a writer - whatever destroys his ability to write. And I'm not giving that up. It's all I'm made of.

I'm starting to feel like my boss hates me, but maybe thats just my imagination. But I wont be surprised if I'm fired any time soon. Nor will I be upset if I speak honestly. This place almost kills me. 8 hours of continuous repetition. How do people put up with that for years?

There's less than an hour left of work so I'm just killing time. It's all I do at work. I kill my life as I wait for the clock to tick away til 6pm. And time couldnt move any slower.

I wish I could write poetry. I am fascinated by it. By the talent to organise words in an order that makes them rhyme, that leaves the edges so succinct. I attempt it of course, but my poetry is poor and useless. I wonder if it comes with practice or whether you must be born a poet. Something tells me it is the latter.

My sisters boyfriend arrived today so we'll be hanging out with him for a while. He's a smart guy but I'm no longer a smart girl. I used to be, back in the summer, when I was schizo; that's when we met. But now I'm like a downgraded version of myself. Same face, different story. 47 minutes left, can I ramble for that long? But why fill this blog with polluted text that has no purpose? Because I'm hoping that writing even such simple things will help me start writing my novel again. I keep waiting for something to hit me, a wave or a hurricane, so I can continue what I do best. So I can finish it and see whether it's worth anything.

I have a peculiar brain. According to some, I have to medicate myself against it for my entire life. But that sounds like a death sentence to me. Not being able to own your mind, just because you're not quite like everybody else. Having to suppress things that are dying to come out. Who the hell do they think they are? And how does anyone have the right to tell me that my mind is inadequate. Is schizophrenia a life sentence? Yes. Is it dangerous? Yes. Is it worth the risk? Yes. Damn whatever they say, they dont understand it. How can you unless you're in it, right? And I was in it. And it made me understand things I would have never understood before. I saved myself. I self medicated my brain against depression and understood my entire life. And although half of it was built on a fallacy, that doesnt mean that my whole argument was wrong. I got carried away, but I was just a begginer, and now I'm a veteran. I've survived the war and I'm not scared to go back in. To me, there is nothing more fascinating than a mad mind. There is so much truth hidden in the corners of someone who is completely delusional.

I met up with a friend yesterday and he told me I need to move out, and he is so spot on. My house destroys me, my family is so infected with sadness that it kills everyone around us. And maybe I'm the cause of it right now but I was only a child before and they cant hold me responsible for that. I need to move out, but that is so unrealistic right now that I cant even dream about it. I wish life was more accomodating to young people, I wish it made it easier to start your life off, but unless you have money, you're stuck where you came from, like me. But this cant last forever. One day I will pack my bags and by some miracle, leave. I will finally be alone again, with no one messing with my mind or body. Until then I am just like him, imprisoned and wishing he took me with him.

From you to me.

I've stopped wishing on you. Now I wish on me.

Drugs or no drugs, that is the question.

I've been taking anti depressants and abilify since September I think. At the beginning I didnt mind it, it didnt affect my writing. But now, I cant write for shit. And unless I finish my novel my life is going to stay this way forever: I dont know how else to get out of this. If I write a novel and somehow it ends up successful, that's my way out. If not, then maybe life isn't for me.

I was thinking about this last night and neither work nor studying appeals to me anymore. Nothing does. I want to write, but above everything I want to be able to write, and the drugs have killed it.


Maybe it's a huge mistake but 4 days ago I flushed the pills down the toilet and decided to never take them again. What has followed is two nights of being overly emotional, crying for no apparent reason and a lot of cold sweating. And now I dont know what to do. If I stay on them I'll remain a futile vegetable, if I dont I risk being caught by my mother who is already suspicious and has asked me on several occassions whether I'm still taking the drugs (and we live together so its hard to hide. Today I had to pretend to take them and then spit them out later.) But either way, I dont know whether I can keep this up. She'll catch onto me soon enough. But it is my body, and there is no way in hell that I'm planning to become one of those people who take drugs for years. I wanted it to be a solution to a problem, but now that things have calmed down, I want to try on my own. I mean, whats happened really isnt the end of the world. So I cry occassionally but I dont care. Its worth it if I can start writing soon again.

But the bigger problem here is that I have no one to talk to. A few days ago my sister and I met up with a friend who used to take anti depressants, and he urged me to go off them. And I did. But he also told me that he thinks that I'm the brains of the family, and unless I get out of this, no one else in my family ever will. Im the younger sister, but Ive never felt like it. My sister relies on my guidance, not so much anymore because she's sort of rebelling, and my mother is a deeply unhappy person who suffers daily because of my depression.

I have an appointment to see my psychiatrist in mid January but do I really want to wait that long? Besides, he'll tell me not to go off them, and if he says that, my mother says that. I feel trapped and what's worse - alone. There is no one to talk to, to ask for a solution, there is just me, the brains of the family, feeling brain dead every day.

What do I do?

A sad Merry Christmas.

I don't even miss him. I miss me.