Through

The best way out is always through 

Robert Frost

An I love you post

As I was sitting by my desk not doing anything productive, I got a skype call from my friend who I haven't heard from in months. Speaking to him was so nice, and I realized just how grateful I am for the friends I've made in my life. And then I realized how rare it is to actually have a moment when you fully appreciate someone. Sure, you love people, but you know sometimes it just dawns on you how much, and you can't help but smile about them. You stop taking them for granted. I didn't want to let that moment go. So this is my first 'I love you' post, dedicated to my friend Dani. 

We met back in high school, on a school trip we took to Berlin. It was funny because I never actually knew him before that, and I was convinced that he was 'the new kid' and wouldn't believe him when he said he went to that school all his life. He had to show me his primary school photo year book to prove it :) I've mentioned before how Madrid never was my city. I think the two years I spent there were probably the roughest of my life. I was dealing with so many insecurities, being overweight, being betrayed by my best friend, which hurt more than anything ever has since. I was just a lonely kid in a big city with no family, and suddenly hardly any friends to count on. And then I met Dani, we just started up a conversation as we walked back to our hotel in Berlin one night. Little did I know how wonderful a friendship this would become. After the whole best friend drama I really didn't have many friends at all, I was lonely most of the time, depressed the other, but he was one of those people that I really could count on. And when I left, we kept in touch, and whenever I'd come back, we'd rekindle our friendship. And now I'm here in Paris, and he's in London, we always seem to miss each other as we move around. But he's a wonderful boy. And I think the girl that gets him eventually will be a very lucky one. 

I love realizing how amazing someone is. It suddenly makes the world shine a little more brighter. 

Always little

I just had dinner and now I feel guilty. I have such a screwed up relationship with food. But I don't really want to get into that right now, I feel like I've talked about it way too much and there's nothing new to add.

My sister's coming tomorrow morning, and I'm relieved that she'll be here. Every thursday night I begin feeling completely useless in french, after my politics class in french. It's hard, it's so hard, and I feel like I'm fighting this battle and there's no way of winning. I think I have some sort of 'younger sister' syndrome. When I was little my sister would always take care of me. If anyone ever bullied or offended me, she'd stand up for me in a second. She's such a fighter. And I think that even now, at 19, I sometimes crave that protection. I feel like hiding away from the world and having someone else deal with my problems for me. I remember when I was about 14 I took karate classes. One day the teacher made me stand in front of everyone and perform a Kata. I didn't know all the moves, and I felt so little suddenly. All these people looking at me, his eyes expecting something great from me, and suddenly, all I wanted was for my sister to stand up and cover me up from the world. Of course that never happened. I made a bit of a fool out of myself and sat back down, pretty much humiliated. I miss protection. I miss something that I've hardly had. A father figure that can make everything go away and make the world all better again. I've never had that though, he left when I was five. Ever since then I get these feelings sometimes of being completely unprotected and alone.

There's also this boy (isn't there always?), but in my case there really isn't. I'm the kind of person who falls for someone very rarely, but when I do, its big. He's french, he's in my thursday class, I've started looking forward to it actually. But nothing ever happens. He's shy I think, but I find that so charming. I've always had a soft spot for boys like that. I feel that it's reciprocal though, but neither one of us is doing anything about it. It doesn't bother me so much because I have a history of running as soon as I get what I want. I freak out. That's another issue I've always had, the commitment phobia. So in a way maybe it's better leaving this as a fantasy, if it comes to life I might run, or just get disappointed and bored. We haven't even had a conversation. He smiles at me, today he said hello for the first time! I feel like such a kindergarten kid writing this, it all sounds so naive and silly. Which it is of course, but it's also sweet at the same time. Maybe bitter-sweet. I only learnt his name today, it's all so innocent, it makes me smile. And then there's the whole language barrier. I'm kind of scared of starting up a conversation with him because I probably won't know how to say what I want and then I'll just feel stupid.

Also, I want to thank everyone who's been reading what I've got to say, and leaving such supportive comments. I read every single one of them and they make me smile so much, and I feel warmer inside after every single one.

And now comes my favourite phrase of the day... time to go sort my life out! It's almost become a hobby by now.

Winter feeling

There is something about winter that makes me feel small again. As if I never actually grew up. I get that feeling I'd get when I was little and was dropped off at school, how it dawns on you that for the rest of the day you're alone, and no one will protect you. 

A phone call from a stranger

Today I heard my dad's voice, for the first time in almost three years. I remembered our last conversation, I was 17 and hurt. His voice was cold, it's like he was possessed, there was not a hint of warmth inside him. There was  so much I needed to say but I couldn't. My lips froze and my mind went blank. That conversation haunted me for months. It's like I spoke to an ice sculpture.

Today he was warm, and loving, and funny. As I saw his name on the screen I hesitated, nervous to speak to him. How sad when it comes to this, when a conversation with a parent is something out of the ordinary. I wish he never left. I think my life would have been beautiful.

Almost 20

Today's been good. I had one class in the afternoon, in french, and boring as hell. I've given up on trying to understand the professor as I simply cannot follow him, partly because I am so uninterested in the topic. It's a module on french and foreign prisons. I took a class last year on prison photography and loved it, but it was so different. I thought I'd enjoy this one but it's a lot more factual, just theory and more theory. Whilst I am more interested in the humanitarian aspect of imprisonment, and the symbolism behind things. I look at it as an art, as I do on everything else really. Life is art to me, and I convert everything ugly into something beautiful. It's the only way I can feel the world.

After class I went for a drink with a friend, and then we ended up shopping. I wasn't very eager for that at first, with the whole weight gain issue I'm having right now, and practically running and screaming away from mirrors. But it was fun, I bought some things which looked really nice actually! And I felt like I needed new clothes as my jeans seem to emphasize my thighs too much these days, and I can't have that with my sister coming to town and all.

I'm also planning my birthday celebration right now. It's next tuesday but I'm celebrating with my friends this weekend. I think we're going to have a picnic (with cake of course!) by the Eiffel Tower on the Champ de Mars, and then go out dancing. Best therapy for everything. I'm excited :) But now there's the whole 'what to wear dilemma' so I may need to do some more shopping. And money is always an issue in my life. I haven't even looked at my bank balance lately, I'm too afraid! And rent is due in 2 days. I'm a bit terrified.

This amused me

Falling leaves

Nothing that I'm proud of & Knocked back into reality

Two posts eventually merged into one, as I fear this will otherwise appear to be too much of a self-help blog.

1. I hesitated a lot about this post, but it's my little space, and I don't want to hide here, I hide everywhere else and that's enough. I'm feeling so screwed up today. Well, actually for about a week now, all because I know, see and feel the extra weight on me. I let the scales control my life, as sad as it is. But I'm not delirious about the world, I know how demanding it is, I know it's idea of beauty and I know that I do not qualify. And that is the worst part of me. If I wrote here all my secrets, I would probably sound crazy for letting this one be the one I care for most. How is it that something so shallow is more worrying a thing  to me than my imprisoned father, for example? But that's the way the mind works. That's the way my mind works. I take things that are so little and make them so big.

I feel the pressure so much right now because my family will be here in just a few days. My sister is coming on friday, and I know what she'll think, and how I'll feel, and I'm scared. With one look at me she'll know I gained weight. She won't say much, but I know her too well to believe anything different. And I know how I'll feel, standing next to her and introducing her to people and being the 'fat' one. I am actually mortified at the thought.

I hate how the world has become this, I hate seeing so many girls all over the internet talking about dieting and starving and their constant insecurities, I hate how we let people mess with their lives so much all because of some ridiculous beauty standard. I've done a project on the modelling world before and I know how it works. I know how all these beautiful women we admire starve themselves, and torture their bodies, drive them into a grave even, and still we feel inadequate.

Maybe it's the disorder talking, but I don't really believe so. It's me facing the truth, avoiding the mirror, afraid of the weekend. I am so afraid, and a part of me is searching for that strength and absolute determination I had months ago, to justify the means with the end, but I'm not finding it, and that scares me too. I've lost that desperation that used to define me, and I know that it's saving me, but a part of me hates being saved.

The night feels dark today, and I feel everything but adequate.

2. I just had an epiphany. What the hell am I sitting here for and feeling sorry for myself?! I'm not a victim, and I'm not someone who needs to be pitied for things I personally imposed upon myself. And that's just the thing. It's so easy to sort your life out and make it exactly what you want you want it to be. Just shut your mouth and stop eating crap, do your work, dress the way you want, get a job, and work towards everything. Why is it that something so simple is so hard to realize?! Why do I get these urges to pity myself and console myself and feel miserable, and feel like the whole world is crashing down on me, when it's not? It's not hard to get what you want. And I've lost 20 pounds before, why can't I lose more? Of course I can, and it doesn't take a genius to figure that out.

You know what's funny? Just as I was having my little breakdown, feeling like an ogre and hating my whole world, no one in my life had any idea. No one knows what happens behind closed doors. And to my friends I am this funny, confident and not-so-ugly girl who must be living the dream. It amazes me how deceived we can be sometimes. And as I checked my facebook after writing my last post, my friend wrote something so sweet that I was just surprised at how different things are from what they seem. I asked whether I can bring my sister to a party he's throwing this weekend, and he wrote back saying 'only if she's as pretty as you'. I smiled and it felt so nice to be complimented, and then I realized how no one here actually knows about my insecurities. It would never even cross their minds to think how I could be sitting here and writing messages of hate to myself. So why not live up to the expectations?

I don't want to go back to a life of ED, and I won't, because the way that messes with your head is just terrible. The misery you feel every single day, it doesn't stop, it's this endless battle that you fight each moment, and the only way to win is to forfeit. I was lucky to get out alive once, and I don't want to take that chance again. Playing with fire never brings to anything good.

So here I am, sat in my room with a dim light in the corner, miles away from perfect, but just about to embark on a road trip precisely towards that. I'm thinking of a line from 'The importance of being Earnest', I hope I'm not perfect, that would leave no room for improvement. And I have so much room for just that. And I'm excited. Again. I know where I want to be, and soon I'll be there. No reason to panic.

So all in all, I apologise from the frantic panic attack, but I'm glad it didn't last long, and I knocked myself back into reality. Now I can focus.

Being a cheese

I love to travel but I hate to arrive

This weekend has felt more like a whole week passing! Oktoberfest was so much fun, but it has also been the most excruciatingly tiring weekend of my life! My body was actually in pain from the lack of sleep and very bad eating/drinking habits we acquired. We were up by 6am every morning and to top things off I caught a cold on the way to Munich so that was annoying! But it was definitely a great experience, and I'm so glad I went. Munich is beautiful, and I love exploring new places. I got back to Paris this morning at 6 am and pretty much spent the whole day in bed, recovering. I sort of feel like I need a vacation from my vacation right now! I missed all my classes today too since I was in no shape to go anywhere, but I have decided that it's time to take things more seriously now, and actually sort my life out, with naps not counting as a viable substitute!

Inside one of the tents at Oktoberfest

It's nice to be back, when I looked out the window and saw road signs for Place d'Italie and Bastille, I actually felt like I was finally home. This city is slowly becoming mine, and that feels wonderful. I remember after having lived in Madrid for two years, I still felt like a complete stranger to the place. I remember looking out the window one night as I drove through the city and feeling so entirely alienated and lonely in a city that was supposed to be my place, but it never really was. I guess the people make all the difference, and the people I have met here are amazing. And when I look back at who I was back then, I want to run back there and hug the younger me, and tell her that everything is going to be okay. I wonder if she'd believe me.

But anyway, right now, as always when I come back from somewhere, I feel like  starting anew, I feel motivated for everything fresh. A better lifestyle, more dedication to things that matter, and more beauty. I saw this picture of Lindsey Wixson today and I felt so inspired to work towards a better image. I'm not really a fan of hers, but I love her style in this photo, and I want to love my own too. But to be honest, it's harder than I imagined. I used to be so wrapped up inside the dieting world, I guess it comes with the disorder, that I was triggered by everything... a quote, a picture, a thought... But now it no longer works on me. I look at all these starving lifestyles and sayings along the lines of 'nothing tastes as good as skinny feels' and I find it so cruel, so thoughtless to treat yourself in such a screwed up way. I think that even if I wanted to, I wouldn't be able to do this the unhealthy way.

I really need to get some sleep now though, my sleep deprived body can take no more!

Face the facts of being what you are, for that is what changes what you are - (Kierkegaard )